My Whole Goddamn Life Story (or: What the Fuck is Your Damage, Sis?), Part 4

I've told anecdotes, but never really explained me: who am I, what's my context, what's my damage? So here's my whole goddamn life story. I've broken it into four parts, about 1,500 words each, for ease of reading and referencing. Part 4: ages 30-32. (Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3)

Though I stabilized, and with medication the night terrors went away and my startle reflex subsided (something that had been overactive since high school), I still had an abundance of existential despair. It became most of what I talked about with my doctor. She had me draw up a list: "What I Want In Life." What would satisfy me? I broke it up into parts, realistic and impossible, desires and wishlists. Under the "totally unrealistic desires" section, it read: "I want to be a lesbian." My doctor picked that one out, she could see how it pained me when I talked about it. We spent months discussing it. I slowly began to admit to myself that I had "transsexual ideation." as I called it. But I wouldn't say I was trans, nuh-uh, it was just ideation.


I grappled with it and with my neuroses. I wondered if maybe it was just a maladaptive coping mechanism for being forever alone. I wondered if it was maybe just another fetish - I masturbated to thoughts of being a woman all caught up in the other fetishes, after all. I remembered how I'd worried I was habituating fantasies of being a woman by masturbating to them as a teenager; did I merely train myself to feel this way? Besides, I obviously wasn't a real trans girl. I wasn't effeminate. I wasn't all into girly things. I never played with dolls as a kid. I never dressed up in mom's clothes. Most of all, I didn't know I'm a girl, and definitely didn't know from an early age; I just wished I was a girl. Nope, not trans, just fantasy.

But it ate at me. I could feel it almost in my grasp, becoming who - what - I wished I was. But it was just out of reach. I'd never have a chance, an opening, to do it. I'd never have an opportunity to come out and do something. I'd never be able to start down that road because it was hard and scary. And I wasn't really trans anyway.

Then this happened (don't worry, it's pretty short): Did I ever mention how I realized I was trans?

The therapy session after that, I showed up, with no notice, presenting as female. I hadn't even picked a name yet. My doctor soon put me in touch with a gender therapist, who I began seeing after I came out to my dad. (My relationship with my dad may be complicated, but he has been wholly supportive and for that I will always give him credit and gratitude.)

Picking a name was hard. I couldn't come up with one, I couldn't even commit to suggesting any. So my girlfriend and I took a week, not conversing about it, in which to come up with potential names. At the end of the week, we compared notes. Most of her names weren't on my list. Most of my names weren't on her list. But we were both down with Rachel. So I became Rachel.

Transition was really scary at first. I'd perpetually cringe while out in public wearing makeup and girl clothes, terrified of what people thought of me. My girlfriend practically had to drag me through the mall to shop for girl clothes and I couldn't bring myself to go into the dressing rooms without her. But it got easier. I got better at makeup, I learned to do my nails, I became more comfortable being on the femme side of androgynous in public. Sometimes I even wore breast forms (prosthetic boobs) and went full femme.

I began laser hair removal on my face and gradually lost most of my beard shadow (there's still some in front that won't go away - I need electrolysis). Later, I got hair removal on my torso, so now I only need to shave my chest and abdomen about once a month. It was painful, but oh so worth it.

I had a falling out with my doctor. I was having a bad - suicidally bad - mixed episode and she called me "Ryan" and used male pronouns to refer to me. She said Ryan was unstable and Rachel was stable, so I was Ryan then. My girlfriend and I walked out right then and I never looked back.

I broke up with my girlfriend, but I was Rachel, I was okay with myself and could get by without her. After 6 months of gender therapy, I got a letter for hormone therapy and a referral to a doctor for that. February 26th, 2014, I walked out of the doctor's office with prescriptions for spironolactone and estradiol.

I was in a 2-week lull of my intrusive thoughts when I started hormones. But a funny thing happened. The thoughts and urges never came back. It's been over a year and they still haven't come back. I'm finally free. Really, truly free of the thoughts, the obsessions, the compulsions, and the torment. I won't pretend to know how or why, but the hormones changed things. They also seemed to make me more stable - I had one minor depressive episode since then, only when I ran out of my antidepressant.

In May, I stopped ever presenting as a guy and went full-time female. In June, I legally changed my name and changed the gender marker on my driver's license. In August, I went back to school as Rachel.

In between, in June, I had a sign language class and was still listed as Ryan. No one in the class knew what to make of me. They avoided using pronouns to refer to me and would just mumble and wave toward me instead. I was clearly in between male and female in appearance at the time. I had (fake) boobs, but a male voice; I wore girl clothes, but I still had some beard shadow. What was I?

My sex drive had disappeared when I started hormones, but it came back at some level eventually. I bought a Hitachi Magic Wand, but that ended poorly. However, I did eventually reach orgasm - double orgasm - and it was mind-blowing. Female orgasms (those which are estrogen based) are far superior to male (testosterone based) orgasms. They just don't hit as hard or launch as fast, but there's more power behind them and they last much longer (plus, you can double up).

By October I had breasts and it was time to stop wearing prosthetics. That was an awkward transition at school: C cup one day, A cup the next. I was pretty nervous about it. Fortunately, no one seemed to pay any attention.

Since then, I've been misgendered all of once. I get called ma'am and miss all the time. Much to my chagrin, I get harassed on the street sometimes. I still don't see a woman in the mirror most of the time, or in pictures of me, but other people see her, and when I do see her it's glorious.

Remember how I'd get lost in fantasy worlds, imagining myself as a woman? Over the years of that I'd developed a very detailed and expansive setting, as well as quite a few strong female characters. I'd periodically go on outlining and writing binges, usually while manic, but it never went anywhere. Last semester I took a creative writing class and my instructor gave me a lot of positive feedback and expressed his confidence in my writing. He's encouraged me to pursue it, so I'm doing that now, spending my free time on that more than video games.

Not everything's perfect. I feel incredibly lonely sometimes and I'm too self-conscious of my imperfect passing to try dating. Not that I know how to date anyway. I've become frustrated with my lack of further boob growth - they reached A and just stopped. I need at least B to fit my frame, but I'm not holding my breath - I can only expect B or smaller based on my family history. They seem to be growing again, maybe, but I'm considering top surgery if it comes to that.

But I'm happy. I'm me. I'm starting to like some of my body for the first time in my life. I like my legs. I like my irises. I like my lips. (Still hate my smile, but what can you do?) And yeah, I like my boobs. And despite all my voice passing anxiety, I like my voice now better than I ever liked my guy voice.

So that's where I am now. Well-medicated, on hormones, in school, with a creative hobby, looking forward to a brighter tomorrow with SRS in 2017.