Full-Time

This is it. It's like my bat mitzvah or something. I am, as of yesterday, officially "full-time." After coming out to my boss, there's no one left in my life who doesn't know, so I no longer have any reason to present as Ryan to anyone, ever. The legalities of that will have to wait a few weeks, but now I can already be Rachel whenever, wherever, and to whomever, I want.

It snuck up on me, to be honest. I wasn't planning to start full-time until the fall semester, but with no one left to come out to, there's no reason not to start now. No more "boy mode" and "girl mode," just "me mode." Mind you, "me mode" (f.k.a. "girl mode") is a lot of work - a solid 2 hours every morning. You might even call this a full-time job now. But it's rewarding work, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Well, except getting the results without having to do the work. But I'm *ahem* working on that.

So I guess this is farewell to an old friend. Let's pour one out for my main man Ryan - RIP, buddy. Your work is done here.

Annals of Puberty 2.0: Month 2

This month brings less physical changes - those are mostly incremental - and more emotional changes. In a word, I feel: normal. But also:

• Watch out, Facebook censors! My nipples have been getting softer. They feel less like they used to and more like female nipples. One of these days one of you will have to report my #NipsOfFreedom
• There are times when my whole... I won't call them breasts yet, but my circumnipple regions, are sensitive to pressure. Like, scrubbing them with soap in the shower is like scrubbing a bruise.
• My appetite is up, and it's pissing me off. I know a growing girl needs her lunch, but dammit, there's plenty to repurpose hanging out around my gut already.
• I'm far less anxious, ridiculously so. I'm taking maybe 10% as much of my anti-anxiety meds compared to when I started. Used to be 3 pills a day on most days, now it's one maybe twice a week, if that. It's not like I'm anxiety-free, but it's reduced and easier to deal with. At least in spitting distance of normal-ish.
• What are these emotions I'm feeling? Is this was it is to be "normal"? I get excited without trembling and sweating, I get upset without flipping out, I get happy without feeling like an idiot. WTF? I mean, I can't convey just how much of a change this is. My computer blew up with sparks and smoke, then later that day I got a test back with a D on it, and though I was upset, sure, I wasn't anywhere near the end of my rope. I just dealt with it as best I could, moved on, and maybe grumbled a little. Apparently I'm a more normal, well-adjusted girl than I ever was a guy.
• Sleep is no longer alternating bouts of pathological insomnia and hypersomnia. It's not perfectly consistent, but it's whatever I make of it. "Wake up early, go to bed early"/"sleep in late, have trouble falling asleep" stuff. Normal.
• Intrusive thoughts I used to have are entirely gone. This is a welcome respite from their awful content (no details; you'd need a week on /r/aww do bleach your brain). I'm free of these disturbing and overwhelming thoughts for the first time since... geez, at least 6th grade. I feel normal for once, not all sick and broken inside.