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| Boobies! |
So what's been going on with my transition, and what have the hormones changed? Well, for starters, I have boobs now. They're small and my nipples are still horribly male in appearance, but these are definitely boobs - they're starting to get shape, and they have completely the right texture. I spent, let's call it half an hour straight, playing with them yesterday - because I can - and discovered they also now make me feel funny in my tummy when they're adequately stimulated. Yay, boobies!
My body hair growth has been changing, too. The hairs on my arms are now about half very fine blond hair, not the coarse black it used to be (and half still is). Body hair grows slower, too. It now takes 3 or 4 days for my leg hair to grow in to the point it used to in just one day. I absolutely love this "never shave your arms and shave your legs twice a week" situation and can't wait for it to really get where it's going. It's nice when my transition lines up with my laziness.
I've been taking care of more things related to my name change. Wait, have I even posted since that happened? I don't think so. So I legally changed my name. For all official purposes, my name is no longer Ryan Patrick; now it's Rachel Lindsey. I also got a new driver's license to reflect that. Totally awesomesauce: my new license also correctly identifies me as female.
I got my new Social Security card and, much to my surprise, the wait at the SSA was short and they were helpful and efficient about it. I couldn't believe it. The biggest hassle was the security at the entrance. I then finally changed my name with UNM, which actually confused the hell out of me. I got a message at my Gmail account forwarded from my school account, listed as from Rachel Lindsey. I did a double take, like, wait, what?
I did give myself a little setback a week-and-a-half-ish ago. I became a bit of a shut-in and didn't speak for a whole week. I didn't speak at all. And when I decided to rejoin the world, I tried to warm up my voice before leaving and found I had completely lost it. My feminized voice was just gone. I found it again over the next few days, but it really drove home the fact that I need to keep practicing and keep doing in order to transition.
Something it's good I lost is the feeling that I'm "presenting" in public. I still get that feeling when I directly interact with people I don't know, but just out doing my thing? I'm just out doing my thing. I'm not all self-conscious about my clothes or makeup or (fake, bigger) boobs or mannerisms. I think I'm becoming more secure in my femininity. I'm not constantly plagued by fears and self-loathing: "tranny", "shemale", "pretending", "drag", "disguise", "transvestite", "autogynephilia"... These thoughts aren't gone, per se, but my brain now mostly reserves them for times of acute failure. Dresses, as much as I like them, still make me self-conscious, though.
Something that's helped is that I've been getting "ma'am"ed and "miss"ed more - as long as they see me before they hear my voice. (It may be back, but it still needs a lot of work.) "Miss" is pretty rare - it's usually "ma'am", but it's nice when I do get it. I'm not sure what the difference is that's caused this. Maybe it's the other way around and my security causes people to read me as more feminine / not an imposter.
NSFW change: My libido has been steadily climbing. At first it dropped when I started the hormones, but now I feel like I really am going through puberty again. I'm drooling over every remotely attractive woman I see. But I have no outlet for it, no relief. Masturbation is an iffy proposition. Thanks to the spironolactone, I don't have to worry about - and can't really get - erections. And I haven't figured out quite how to get myself off without one (yes, it is possible). I'm like a horny teenage girl who hasn't figured out how to operate her cooter yet. Now if I could just chow down on some pussy, the problem would be solved...
In summary:
- Boobies! have a discernible shape.
- My body hair is thinning out and slowing down.
- Boobies! have the right texture.
- I changed my name, officially and for pretty much everything that matters.
- Boobies! hang down when I lean forward.
- I changed my gender on my state ID.
- Boobies! make me feel happy and weird inside when I play with them.
- Oops, I accidentally my voice. But it's all better now - I just need to remember not to be a hermit.
- Boobies! have nipples less sensitive than their max sensitivity (i.e., the shower doesn't hurt), but still sensitive.
- I'm becoming more secure in my femininity.
- Boobies! are one of the greatest things ever.
- Holy hell have I been getting horny lately, and I have no outlet for it.
- Tits.
