Now I am Going to Get Into That Weird Ambivalence

I'm referring, of course, to "the weird interplay between physical stimulation, gender dysphoria, intrusive thoughts, and intoxication" referenced in Public Indecency. Because it was weird.

One thing that's critical to know about this is that my genitals have always felt somewhat alien to me. Either dissociated or like they had to be something they weren't. So I never fapped imagining something happening with my dick; I fapped imagining it was a vagina and the stroking was the feeling of being penetrated.

I'd tried sex with prostitutes twice, and I failed miserably both times. The feeling of penetrating felt wrong, just wrong. And it didn't do anything for me. I knew these women were beautiful. I wanted to kiss them and play with their nipples and go down on them, but penetrating... I just couldn't do it.

So this is what I was going into the blowjob with in terms of relationship with my dick. 

On top of that, I had terrible intrusive sexual thoughts at the time. Violent, horrific stuff. My faplife revolved around these. It was downright compulsive. And it created a dynamic where that's all I was used to getting off to. But I couldn't think that about a real person other than myself - the very notion of that repulsed and disgusted me. 

So on top of the dysphoria, I had this hangup about arousal being coupled to revulsion.

However, physical stimulation goes a long way, especially with male arousal. (It's a bit trickier now that my arousal and orgasms are estrogen-based.) The kissing and the nipples put my mind at ease, but it was the physical stimulation that got the actual it's-40-degrees-out boner going. It didn't matter how I felt about my dick or what I was thinking, that physical touch got it going on its own.

So a little dick licking woke it up regardless of anything else.

Finally, there was the booze. Normally, booze inhibits performance by making erections more difficult. This was far outweighed by making it too hard to think any of the intrusive thoughts. And it was outweighed even further by numbing my dysphoria. I was crosseyed and painless, so I managed to become dissociated from the dissociation of my dysphoria, if that makes any sense. It's like I was too out of it to feel the wrongness anymore.

So I was numb to most of those bad feels.

Ultimately, it was a pleasant experience in the moment, although an anxiety-wracked one. But that pleasure was mostly the kissing and nipple play in the end. The raw physical pleasure was like a base reptilian reflex - I reacted to it with pleasure, but it was on the level of tapping my knee with one of those doctor's mallets. 

But afterward, I felt... off. I couldn't get the feeling of the sucking off and it was... not completely wrong, but certainly not right. The shaft was all wrong but the head was pretty good I guess (big surprise there - the head is what becomes the clit in SRS), But still, the overall feeling - things felt extra alien.

In the end, I wanted - wished for - more, since the kissing and nipple sucking was so good. But I really didn't want to have to use by dick for anything real and an orgasm with someone else was a terrifying prospect, and probably would have required just as much booze at that point in my life.